to remain lost, in fact.

it is my responsibility now. to show up. wide-eyed, and willing, and ready. God reveals all the wisdom of doing a certain action, and then i become so overwhelmed in contemplating that, that i am unable to perform it. lost in the infinity, with no ability to understand, or do, anything.

how do i show up if i don't know what it is i am showing up for? i need to show up for anything. for everything. to take on life. to take on love.

i was reading Rumi today. his words seep with wisdom of an islamic mystic but when i read his poetry, i am always recycling it back inside a perspective from my christian faith. Rumi puts it so flawlessly:

i have seen that God reduces the wisdom portion, and makes a small bridle to fit over my head and lead me by. the size of the bridle is important when you're dealing with a stubborn horse. too heavy, and he'll lie down and refuse to move. too slight, and he'll ignore it. the proportion of wisdom to personal advantage is a subtle mixture, like that of water and clay to make bricks. too little water, and it won't cohere. too much, and it washes away. God gives attention to an individual's balance, except when giving to those described in the text, "He gives and they receive without calculating." but that state cannot be understood without tasting it.

you ask, "what is love?"

"be lost in me," He says. "you'll know love when that happens."

love has no calculating in it. that's why it's said to be a quality of God and not of human beings. "God loves you" is the only possible sentence. the subject becomes the object so totally that it can't be turned around. and i must know the subject if i am to write and re-write and re-member and re-understand about God's love. i am so consumed with what i am going to do, how i am going to write, what i am going to think, what i am going to create, who i am going to teach, how i am going to counsel, and where i am going to show up to do any combination of these things. but then i am humbled, every time, to recall that the greatest of these is love.

how can i be so lost in Him that i'll know how to love freely-family, friends, my life, its purpose? how can i stop calculating? when will i soar, without any worry about when my feet will touch the ground?