the balance, my dear, is gone.

this video is a totally new way of visually journaling that i found and appreciate so much today. combining multimedia, written words, and convicting sound. its a bit of an expression of what i have been thinking about lately. starting to focus on my creative path. I am on this path because I have an immense craving to express and to show how I see the world. I want my vibrant colors, my free spirit, my tenderness, my excitement, my perspective, my 'joie de vivre', my artistic and my shining self to come forth and be seen.

Ironically, just like what I envision for my shining stars, except that in this case, I want this light to come through my photography, writing, collages, and faith, rather than through my image.

I have my cup of green tea this morning and i am trying my hardest to be silent and still before the Lord. As I am praying and reflecting, it is becoming ever so clear to me that there are two paths. This year has shown me that there is the journey to solitude and creation, which sometimes is all one chooses to follow. And then there is another, in which one is also looking for a response and to be seen. I have known for a while that my desire is for both sides of the spectrum but I want to rest somewhere in between, in peace because I am just not sure if it's ok to want both.

The first path is the most rewarding, in worldly terms. For me, it is fun, natural and liberating. But realistically, walking the creative path and trying to make a living have yet to meet. I can travel the world and I can go to where I am needed in art therapy. But I can't live jumping from one volunteer opportunity to another. Practically, I hear the voices of duty in my head forcing me to take the path in search of response, because you need that response to succeed...or make money. But where is it that I should go to do that? And how do I make sure I am holding true to whatsoever is good and not just hype? I am a bit numb. Too much copying. Raw inspiration but hardly any genuine individuality. It seems that all of the images I am accustomed to becoming jumbled in my art making process, producing nothing new. I see us looking for novelty and creativity, and at the same time, I see us fooling ourselves with meaningless replication, due to our over stimulated and our over connected selves.

For the first time, I have gotten in the habit of practicing being truly silent and solitary and I have found that true originality and meaning come by being in that state. When I lock the doors and my room is quiet and I am silent within me and without me, I can hear His quiet hum. I feel cozy in that womb. It feels like home, unleashing my Creator.

And then I leave that room and my phone rings with a demand for a life plan. Or at least a summer plan-waitressing? nannying? what now? how will you make money, Jordan? Connect. Network. DO. Do. Do. Respond and be responded to. So much pressure. Others have me fooled that I am just not sure I can get away with not doing these things, even though it goes against my natural current. I say to myself "It is what is needed, in order to generate the possibilities." At the end of the day, I'm starting to think that this eagerness to show and tell has got something to do with a rather embarrassing and shocking truth we all have a hard time to admit. We all want to feel loved. I too want that. Where's the balance? Or is that balance a myth not be attained? I don't want to rely on my talents, now when I know they are from You.

Gee, it's good to see a dream come true
People smile and bless all over you
Mixing up those latest junkie-isms
With all the pretty terms of religion
And don't you love the leader of the band
Equal parts Butthead and Peter Pan
All the other kids are sad again
A legend's not a legend 'til it ends

This is your new thing now
And it makes the whole world spin
It's as least as old as sin
But not quite
This is your new thing now
And now you're turning grinning
But maybe no one's listening
And you might lose it all my darling, yes you might

This is your new thing now
And it feels so good to doubt you
I could almost live without you
But not quite