the balance, my dear, is gone.

this video is a totally new way of visually journaling that i found and appreciate so much today. combining multimedia, written words, and convicting sound. its a bit of an expression of what i have been thinking about lately. starting to focus on my creative path. I am on this path because I have an immense craving to express and to show how I see the world. I want my vibrant colors, my free spirit, my tenderness, my excitement, my perspective, my 'joie de vivre', my artistic and my shining self to come forth and be seen.

Ironically, just like what I envision for my shining stars, except that in this case, I want this light to come through my photography, writing, collages, and faith, rather than through my image.

I have my cup of green tea this morning and i am trying my hardest to be silent and still before the Lord. As I am praying and reflecting, it is becoming ever so clear to me that there are two paths. This year has shown me that there is the journey to solitude and creation, which sometimes is all one chooses to follow. And then there is another, in which one is also looking for a response and to be seen. I have known for a while that my desire is for both sides of the spectrum but I want to rest somewhere in between, in peace because I am just not sure if it's ok to want both.

The first path is the most rewarding, in worldly terms. For me, it is fun, natural and liberating. But realistically, walking the creative path and trying to make a living have yet to meet. I can travel the world and I can go to where I am needed in art therapy. But I can't live jumping from one volunteer opportunity to another. Practically, I hear the voices of duty in my head forcing me to take the path in search of response, because you need that response to succeed...or make money. But where is it that I should go to do that? And how do I make sure I am holding true to whatsoever is good and not just hype? I am a bit numb. Too much copying. Raw inspiration but hardly any genuine individuality. It seems that all of the images I am accustomed to becoming jumbled in my art making process, producing nothing new. I see us looking for novelty and creativity, and at the same time, I see us fooling ourselves with meaningless replication, due to our over stimulated and our over connected selves.

For the first time, I have gotten in the habit of practicing being truly silent and solitary and I have found that true originality and meaning come by being in that state. When I lock the doors and my room is quiet and I am silent within me and without me, I can hear His quiet hum. I feel cozy in that womb. It feels like home, unleashing my Creator.

And then I leave that room and my phone rings with a demand for a life plan. Or at least a summer plan-waitressing? nannying? what now? how will you make money, Jordan? Connect. Network. DO. Do. Do. Respond and be responded to. So much pressure. Others have me fooled that I am just not sure I can get away with not doing these things, even though it goes against my natural current. I say to myself "It is what is needed, in order to generate the possibilities." At the end of the day, I'm starting to think that this eagerness to show and tell has got something to do with a rather embarrassing and shocking truth we all have a hard time to admit. We all want to feel loved. I too want that. Where's the balance? Or is that balance a myth not be attained? I don't want to rely on my talents, now when I know they are from You.

Gee, it's good to see a dream come true
People smile and bless all over you
Mixing up those latest junkie-isms
With all the pretty terms of religion
And don't you love the leader of the band
Equal parts Butthead and Peter Pan
All the other kids are sad again
A legend's not a legend 'til it ends

This is your new thing now
And it makes the whole world spin
It's as least as old as sin
But not quite
This is your new thing now
And now you're turning grinning
But maybe no one's listening
And you might lose it all my darling, yes you might

This is your new thing now
And it feels so good to doubt you
I could almost live without you
But not quite

one safe place.

How many roads youve traveled
How many dreams youve chased
Across sand and sky and gravel
Looking for one safe place

Will you make a smoother landing
When you break your fall from grace
Into the arms of understanding
Looking for one safe place

Life is trial by fire
And loves the sweetest taste
And I pray it lifts us higher
To one safe place

How many roads weve traveled
How many dreams weve chased
Across sand and sky and gravel
Looking for one safe place

[hate this video but this is the only way that i could figure out how to put the song on here]

simple as it should be.

today's treasure.

to remain lost, in fact.

it is my responsibility now. to show up. wide-eyed, and willing, and ready. God reveals all the wisdom of doing a certain action, and then i become so overwhelmed in contemplating that, that i am unable to perform it. lost in the infinity, with no ability to understand, or do, anything.

how do i show up if i don't know what it is i am showing up for? i need to show up for anything. for everything. to take on life. to take on love.

i was reading Rumi today. his words seep with wisdom of an islamic mystic but when i read his poetry, i am always recycling it back inside a perspective from my christian faith. Rumi puts it so flawlessly:

i have seen that God reduces the wisdom portion, and makes a small bridle to fit over my head and lead me by. the size of the bridle is important when you're dealing with a stubborn horse. too heavy, and he'll lie down and refuse to move. too slight, and he'll ignore it. the proportion of wisdom to personal advantage is a subtle mixture, like that of water and clay to make bricks. too little water, and it won't cohere. too much, and it washes away. God gives attention to an individual's balance, except when giving to those described in the text, "He gives and they receive without calculating." but that state cannot be understood without tasting it.

you ask, "what is love?"

"be lost in me," He says. "you'll know love when that happens."

love has no calculating in it. that's why it's said to be a quality of God and not of human beings. "God loves you" is the only possible sentence. the subject becomes the object so totally that it can't be turned around. and i must know the subject if i am to write and re-write and re-member and re-understand about God's love. i am so consumed with what i am going to do, how i am going to write, what i am going to think, what i am going to create, who i am going to teach, how i am going to counsel, and where i am going to show up to do any combination of these things. but then i am humbled, every time, to recall that the greatest of these is love.

how can i be so lost in Him that i'll know how to love freely-family, friends, my life, its purpose? how can i stop calculating? when will i soar, without any worry about when my feet will touch the ground?

a dove in His eaves.

this year in six words:

life keeps leading to more life.

sometimes You place me at the front of your troops as a commander.

sometimes You wet me with your mouth like you do your seal-ring

just before You plant your power.

sometimes You round me

into a simple door knocker

like keeps leading to more life.

You drive me away gently

as a flute song does a dove from the eaves.

with the same song

You call me back

You push me out on many journeys;

then You anchor me with no motion at all.

i am water. i am the thorn

that catches someone's clothing.

i don't care about marvelous sights

i only want to be in Your presence

there's nothing to believe

only when i quit believing in myself

did i come into this beauty

day and night i guarded the pearl of my soul

now in this ocean of pearling currents

i've lost track of which is mine

there is no way to describe You

say the end of this so strongly

that i will ride up over

my own commotion.

i am alive with other life,

as clear stones take form in the mountain.

wild horses.

With my final thesis finally polished and turned in and a mere 3 weeks left of my time here on the eastern shore of Maryland, I have been checking off my list of "must-dos" before leaving this area. I finally made it out to Assateague, MD. earlier this week. I finally decided to heed everyone's advice, pack up my bare minimums for beach camping and make the trek. I welcomed summer with dashboard drumming and inviting every ounce of sun into the car through open windows. I was anxious to reveal my freckles and refresh the tan I had come back from Florida with just two weeks prior. You know that feeling of summer freedom that no one has the power to inhibit? You head to the beach with no resistance, no thoughts of vanity (as evident by my blue bandana, messy ponytail, and goodwill t-shirt), no distractions (blackberry and laptop left at home). I had my bare feet, aviators, a couple pieces of fruit, some hot dogs, and a nalgene.

A group of great friends joined me and as we headed over the bridge onto the island, you could taste the release. We left all tensions, all assumptions, all pressures, all baggage on the mainland and greeted the wild horses with an innocence that only comes when you let it in. Horses were on the side of the road and even came up to my car, looking for food. I reached the campsite and kicked my rainbows off my feet. Sand between those toes of mine exfoliating the last of my worries away. I ran to the water, first thing, just as I have always done on every trip to the beach since I was a little girl. Tradition. This time, I was joined by wild horses. Wasn't this a scene from a movie, perhaps? How did this ever happen in real life? Sunset behind me, flailing my way to the waves, and not far down the sand, horses matched my expression of freedom.

Grilling and campfires, cigars and beer, marshmallowed fingers and chocolate lips. The perfect camping trip.

I woke up the next morning on the sand, as more horses ran by. Cliches flooded my head, of course, but i couldn't help but dwell on the metaphor of that moment. I thought about this year. I offered a thanks and then a prayer. I asked for the courage to amar generosamente (to love freely). It's the theme of my friend Teresa's and her fiance John's wedding but I do believe it applies to me these days.


All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but not feel scared
Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses
I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare-back, care-free
Along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head-first, head-long
Without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
I wanna break free
I wanna run too.


"Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow it." -Braveheart-

amar generosante.