not that i am depressed or anything.
not that i am totally lost
not that i am extremely hurting.
not like i don't have a million questions.
not like i wanna run down the long dirt driveway to my home, crying why.
no, that was 3 weeks ago.
but i am trying so hard to hold tightly to the truth that whatever i do is never enough. my world can shake down to its core at any point, any day. if i am vulnerable enough. these days, i am hardly anything else. i have been on my knees for a while now, praying for the ability to sift through this heartache and hew straight to the heart of the matter, so I can grab hold of the big ideas and greater truths. hold on to what I know is true in this. “Nobody can be a good reasoner unless by constant practice he/she has realized the importance of getting hold of the big ideas and hanging onto them like grim death.”
embrace me. embrace me with Your kind love.
it's all i wanted, it's all i ever dreamed of
and all of this dreaming, in silver and gold
something to break this, winter so cold.
you go straight for the thunder
straight for the rain
love leaves a mark
and love leaves a stain
back in the saddle
again and again
millions of eyes
none of them friends
patty griffin. crying over.
everyone asking me if i'm "ok." yes. i'm ok. i am on the other side of things now. i am back in that familiar saddle. again. holding on tight. i have navigated through a dark room to hit the light switch on the other side. not forgetting what i learned in the light while i was in the dark.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
Emerson
today this quote means eons to me. it has been on my bedside table for months now but today it speaks straight to the heart of things. does that ever happen to you? those divine moments when something strikes you so acutely and so differently from any other time you read it before then? those moments are testament to a larger understanding. i can feel comforted in knowing that there has been/is someone who understands the emotions that have been flooding my life this past week. mmm. delicious.
*here's to letting go of old nonsense, being serene and striving for a high spirit."
Emerson
today this quote means eons to me. it has been on my bedside table for months now but today it speaks straight to the heart of things. does that ever happen to you? those divine moments when something strikes you so acutely and so differently from any other time you read it before then? those moments are testament to a larger understanding. i can feel comforted in knowing that there has been/is someone who understands the emotions that have been flooding my life this past week. mmm. delicious.
*here's to letting go of old nonsense, being serene and striving for a high spirit."
Sunday, January 11, 2009
my first set of headshots!
a friend of mine is recording her first cd and asked me to do a set of headshots for her to use for the cover/myspace page. we spend most of the day this past saturday in georgetown, dc and had ourselves a rather professional photoshoot! i could not have asked for them to come out any better and i know she is so pleased as well!
check out my flickr for the best shots. i'm rather happy with them.
Monday, January 5, 2009
i'm back on the eastern shore...
How peculiar. This place, in fact, is not a final destination. I have found that this is not a culmination of sorts but instead a jumpstart, a vault if you will. David told us that this place is not meant to be the icing on the cake. It’s meant to prepare us for what is ahead. I found comfort in Philippians 3 this week. There is so much of my past that I am actively choosing to leave behind as I pounce on this next chapter. Forgetting what is behind me and striving for the future. I have emptied toxic spaces in my life to make room for new beginnings. Fillings worth my while. I have made a promise to stay out of my own way and choose to be brave, realizing that I have this chance to do absolutely anything. To reach out and be vulnerable and true.
Already I have seen the joy that comes with constantly being in the company of women who encourage me, uplift me, challenge me and hold me accountable in Christ. I have seen examples of men who are respectful, chivalrous, and selfless. These attributes have laid the foundations of extremely advantageous relationships this year, matched by very few in my life. I am eager to reach the point of no return now, after Christmas break has come and gone. I want to learn the stories behind a my fellow fellow’s sigh or what it takes to make these people laugh uncontrollably. Even more deeply, I can’t wait to cry after confessions and play some more “hot seat” in the near future, to get down to the very essence of what it means to grow with my new deep relationships.
Transition and events of my past have left me insecure in some ways and fast-paced in others. Willard says that silence frightens us because it strips us as nothing else does, throwing upon stark realities of our life. I hope I have been real this week. I hope I have not run off at the mouth too much or scared anyone away. Just as Willard talks about, people who love each other can be silent together. I am eager to be silent or just…still…here with all of you. To see each other clearly, not dimly. To speak face to face about the intricacies of life together and what has led us here up to now.
Solitude is a condition of peace that stands indirect opposition onto loneliness. Loneliness is like sitting in an empty room and being aware of the space around you and it is a condition of separateness. Solitude is becoming one with the space around you. It is a condition of union. Loneliness is small. Solitude is large. Loneliness closes in around you; solitude expands to the infinite and has its roots in the great silence of eternity. It is being at peace with the fabric of existence.
Taken from “Letters to my Son” by Kent Nerburn
Needless to say, silence and solitude was a pleasant surprise for me today. I spent the entire day in the old library just journaling and being. I had never had experience with total solitude all day. I will admit, I was not silent all day but I was alone. I love being alone. I think that God speaks to me when I am alone. I have always felt that he leaves me to my own devices to process what he has taught me. This time, I truly felt like he met me.
In that library, I was able to carve out for myself a space in time when no one could get to me and no one could take me out of the largeness of the reverie I was in. For me, it was the first time I had been really and truly alone in two weeks. I have found that most things are not completely real or valid to me if I do not spend time alone in which to explore and discover what is happening or has happened. Monday was no different. The following is an excerpt from what I wrote in my journal:
I have brought God into this old library to sit with me. Slow and steady. Helping me soften down into joy and mess. To show me how to make something that I love that fills me and speaks clearly. I am in the still where I no longer think in words and my memories cease to define the limits of my thoughts. Where I am one with the pulse of life and flow of time.
I sprawled out all of my supplies and sank into the mess I made in the library. It was refreshing to stay there for a while. The first entry I wrote in my journal seemed superficial but as I waited on the Lord in there and didn’t have to worry about cleaning up for a long time I was able to deepen my experience of solitude. I was able to come to grips with the reality of life here and vividly see how God has worked my being here into his Great plan. Monday was needed. It was needed to define a clearer purpose, refine my perspective, and bring my spirit back to place of peace, if only for a day.
"Let there be art. Houses of worship where the feelings of exaltation come from the light."
Already I have seen the joy that comes with constantly being in the company of women who encourage me, uplift me, challenge me and hold me accountable in Christ. I have seen examples of men who are respectful, chivalrous, and selfless. These attributes have laid the foundations of extremely advantageous relationships this year, matched by very few in my life. I am eager to reach the point of no return now, after Christmas break has come and gone. I want to learn the stories behind a my fellow fellow’s sigh or what it takes to make these people laugh uncontrollably. Even more deeply, I can’t wait to cry after confessions and play some more “hot seat” in the near future, to get down to the very essence of what it means to grow with my new deep relationships.
Transition and events of my past have left me insecure in some ways and fast-paced in others. Willard says that silence frightens us because it strips us as nothing else does, throwing upon stark realities of our life. I hope I have been real this week. I hope I have not run off at the mouth too much or scared anyone away. Just as Willard talks about, people who love each other can be silent together. I am eager to be silent or just…still…here with all of you. To see each other clearly, not dimly. To speak face to face about the intricacies of life together and what has led us here up to now.
Solitude is a condition of peace that stands indirect opposition onto loneliness. Loneliness is like sitting in an empty room and being aware of the space around you and it is a condition of separateness. Solitude is becoming one with the space around you. It is a condition of union. Loneliness is small. Solitude is large. Loneliness closes in around you; solitude expands to the infinite and has its roots in the great silence of eternity. It is being at peace with the fabric of existence.
Taken from “Letters to my Son” by Kent Nerburn
Needless to say, silence and solitude was a pleasant surprise for me today. I spent the entire day in the old library just journaling and being. I had never had experience with total solitude all day. I will admit, I was not silent all day but I was alone. I love being alone. I think that God speaks to me when I am alone. I have always felt that he leaves me to my own devices to process what he has taught me. This time, I truly felt like he met me.
In that library, I was able to carve out for myself a space in time when no one could get to me and no one could take me out of the largeness of the reverie I was in. For me, it was the first time I had been really and truly alone in two weeks. I have found that most things are not completely real or valid to me if I do not spend time alone in which to explore and discover what is happening or has happened. Monday was no different. The following is an excerpt from what I wrote in my journal:
I have brought God into this old library to sit with me. Slow and steady. Helping me soften down into joy and mess. To show me how to make something that I love that fills me and speaks clearly. I am in the still where I no longer think in words and my memories cease to define the limits of my thoughts. Where I am one with the pulse of life and flow of time.
I sprawled out all of my supplies and sank into the mess I made in the library. It was refreshing to stay there for a while. The first entry I wrote in my journal seemed superficial but as I waited on the Lord in there and didn’t have to worry about cleaning up for a long time I was able to deepen my experience of solitude. I was able to come to grips with the reality of life here and vividly see how God has worked my being here into his Great plan. Monday was needed. It was needed to define a clearer purpose, refine my perspective, and bring my spirit back to place of peace, if only for a day.
"Let there be art. Houses of worship where the feelings of exaltation come from the light."
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