this summer.

you have this summer to do anything: "to reach out to another, vulnerable and true. to dance on the roof in euphoria. and pray beside the ocean. to let go. to be alive and give to this world." sabrina ward harrison

and if you read one book you read this summer, let it be this one.

i am a blonde flame.

the true living project. even after years of stalking her, this video still remains my greatest muse and inspiration. i have referred back to it repeatedly. to live this richly and without hesitation and to awaken ourselves to our deepest senses. to drink things in. to love and forgive and then live with sweet abandon.

......................................................................................

I want to walk through this doorway

I want to open my mind

I want to pledge my allegiance to all i can find

I want a car that will crash through the barrier

To a road no one knows

I want to feel less control,
want to bend and I want to land far from home.

The revolution of the earth around the sun
is the perfect lesson of how it should be.
So if i cannot learn
to journey and return,
to never rest till I've seen all I can see...

I want to learn a completely new language,
one I don't understand.
I want to help someone lost, someone helpless,
with the strength of my hand.
I want to come to the base of a statue built
before they counted the years,
and there i'll fall with my face in my hands and cry
and feel their hope in my tears.

Train rides and pastures colliding...
colors and customs i've never seen...
I know I, yes I know I,
I know I will stumble
but time is precious my friend.

Those who journey can easily understand,
the more they see the more they'll learn,
the more that they will be.
So this I swear to you, and this I swear to me,
I'll never rest till I've seen all I can see.
No, I'll never rest till I've seen all i can see.

I want to know where the stength of a person lies,
in their past or their future.
Is it in the way that they hurt or they love themselves
or is it all an illusion?
I want to crawl from this skin that i'm painted in...
Body, please let it give.
I want to find the creator of all good things
and ask what it means to live

brendan james- all i can see

......................................................................................

We come with beautiful secrets
We come with purposes written on our hearts, written on our souls
We come to every new morning
With possibilities only we can hold, that only we can hold

Redemption comes in strange place, small spaces
Calling out the best of who we are

And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside

It comes in small inspirations
It brings redemption to life and work
To our lives and our work

It comes in loving community
It comes in helping a soul find it's worth

This is grace, an invitation to be beautiful
This is grace, an invitation

And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside

sara groves- add to the beauty

......................................................................................

these two songs have been a calling to me lately. do you ever hear songs one day but then rediscover them at a later time in life and realize that they can break down walls in your life? this is the way music speaks to me so often. i cling to it as much as i cling to my visual art and art making. and these passions of mine they keep me strong, they give my fingers strength to cling desperately to the robe of the one who has offered me salvation. He has given me a desire for beauty and aesthetic in these forms that i may soften down and be held by his amazing hands. held in hands that let me steady myself. held in hands that won't ask me to be what i am not but let me exist, as i am.

and what am i? a blonde flame, wrapped in a tiny body on this earth that will come to His arms like the safest harbor, for mending.

on being given time.

-on being given time-
we may be sick of time; but time's the healer,
angry with time, but time's the peace-giver
afraid of time, but time-
destroyed by time, but time is also saviour

there might be some device worth discussing
the ripple behind a duck as it swims
opening the way to time without fussing
or that other ripple after music that breaks down walls
i had taken a walk around the block in the evening
after the crowded day, renewed acquaintance
with time as the most natural thing
i have seen it floating through a dance

it is, perhaps, our most complex creation
a lovely skill we spend a lifetime learning
something between the world of pure sensation
and the world of pure thought, a new relation
as if we held in balance the globe turning

even a year's not long, yet moments are.
this moment, yours and mine, and always given,
when the leaf falls, the ripple opens far,
and we go where all animals and children are
the world is open. love can breathe again.



-the work of happiness-
i thought of happiness, how it is woven
and how it is not sudden and it is not given
but is creation itself like the growth of a tree
no one has seen it happen, but inside the bark
another circle is growing in the expanding ring
no one has heard the root go deeper in the dark,
but the tree is lifted by this inward work
and its plumes shine, and its leaves are glittering.

for what is happiness but growth in peace
the timeless sense of time
and as the air moves, so the old dreams stir
the shining leaves of present happiness?
no one has heard thought or listened to a mind
but where people have lived in inwardness
the air is charged with blessing and does bless;
windows look out on mountains and walls are kind.



two prophetic poems by may sarton. making it ever so clear to me that if time is given, i must take it. and even though i could not see the growth as it was happening, i now bear summer fruits. the world is open. love can breathe again. and i'll live in a house someday where windows look out on mountains. i'm sure of it.

wild imaginings, transformative dreams, perfect calm.

just visited the library. the library in elmhurst, illinois is absolutely unreal. any book that i have ever wanted is there. i swear. i've always found em.

i checked out a bag of books to feed my soul today.

i highly recommend:

what we ache for, the call, and the invitation- all by oriah mountain dreamer

make your dreams real, and sark's new creative companion- by sark

the road not taken- selected poems by robert frost

a night without armor- poems by jewel

and last but perhaps most important- sarton selected (an anthology of poems, writings and musings by may sarton, i absolutely adore her)

i also just landed a fabulous nanny position for the summer! so now that i feel at ease some more, i have decided to turn on my patty griffin station on pandora and dive into these books and art journal today. for me. cause i can. why? because sark told me to...

how to be an artist by sark

stay loose. learn to watch snails. plant impossible gardens. invite someone dangerous to tea. make little signs that say yes! and post them all over your house. make friends with freedom and uncertainty. look forward to dreams. cry during movies. swing as high as you can on a swingset, by moonlight. cultivate moods. refuse to be responsible. do it for love. take lots of naps. give money away. do it now. the money will follow. believe in magic. laugh a lot. celebrate every gorgeous moment. take moonbaths. have wild imaginings, transformative dreams, and perfect calm. draw on the walls. read everyday. imagine yourself magic. giggle with children. listen to old people. open up. dive in. be free. bless yourself. drive away fear. play with everything. entertain your inner child. you are innocent. build a fort with blankets. get wet. hug trees. write love letters. live juicy. stamp out conformity. stay in bed all day. dream of gypsy wagons. find snails making love. develop an astounding appetite for books. drink sunsets. draw out your feelings. amaze yourself. be ridiculous. stop worrying. now. if not now, then when? make yes your favorite word. marry. dry your clothes in the sun. eat mangoes naked. keep toys in the bathtub. spin yourself dizzy. hang upside down. follow a child. celebrate an old person. be advanced. try endearing. invent new ways to love. transform negatives. delight someone. wear pajamas to a drive in movie. allow yourself to feel rich without money. be who you truly are and the money will follow. believe in everything. you are always on your way to a miracle.

"your desire to feel creatively free is important. the rest is easy."

still motion photo and cinema.

this is the most beautiful site i've seen in a long time.

perfection.

the balance, my dear, is gone.

this video is a totally new way of visually journaling that i found and appreciate so much today. combining multimedia, written words, and convicting sound. its a bit of an expression of what i have been thinking about lately. starting to focus on my creative path. I am on this path because I have an immense craving to express and to show how I see the world. I want my vibrant colors, my free spirit, my tenderness, my excitement, my perspective, my 'joie de vivre', my artistic and my shining self to come forth and be seen.

Ironically, just like what I envision for my shining stars, except that in this case, I want this light to come through my photography, writing, collages, and faith, rather than through my image.

I have my cup of green tea this morning and i am trying my hardest to be silent and still before the Lord. As I am praying and reflecting, it is becoming ever so clear to me that there are two paths. This year has shown me that there is the journey to solitude and creation, which sometimes is all one chooses to follow. And then there is another, in which one is also looking for a response and to be seen. I have known for a while that my desire is for both sides of the spectrum but I want to rest somewhere in between, in peace because I am just not sure if it's ok to want both.

The first path is the most rewarding, in worldly terms. For me, it is fun, natural and liberating. But realistically, walking the creative path and trying to make a living have yet to meet. I can travel the world and I can go to where I am needed in art therapy. But I can't live jumping from one volunteer opportunity to another. Practically, I hear the voices of duty in my head forcing me to take the path in search of response, because you need that response to succeed...or make money. But where is it that I should go to do that? And how do I make sure I am holding true to whatsoever is good and not just hype? I am a bit numb. Too much copying. Raw inspiration but hardly any genuine individuality. It seems that all of the images I am accustomed to becoming jumbled in my art making process, producing nothing new. I see us looking for novelty and creativity, and at the same time, I see us fooling ourselves with meaningless replication, due to our over stimulated and our over connected selves.

For the first time, I have gotten in the habit of practicing being truly silent and solitary and I have found that true originality and meaning come by being in that state. When I lock the doors and my room is quiet and I am silent within me and without me, I can hear His quiet hum. I feel cozy in that womb. It feels like home, unleashing my Creator.

And then I leave that room and my phone rings with a demand for a life plan. Or at least a summer plan-waitressing? nannying? what now? how will you make money, Jordan? Connect. Network. DO. Do. Do. Respond and be responded to. So much pressure. Others have me fooled that I am just not sure I can get away with not doing these things, even though it goes against my natural current. I say to myself "It is what is needed, in order to generate the possibilities." At the end of the day, I'm starting to think that this eagerness to show and tell has got something to do with a rather embarrassing and shocking truth we all have a hard time to admit. We all want to feel loved. I too want that. Where's the balance? Or is that balance a myth not be attained? I don't want to rely on my talents, now when I know they are from You.

Gee, it's good to see a dream come true
People smile and bless all over you
Mixing up those latest junkie-isms
With all the pretty terms of religion
And don't you love the leader of the band
Equal parts Butthead and Peter Pan
All the other kids are sad again
A legend's not a legend 'til it ends

This is your new thing now
And it makes the whole world spin
It's as least as old as sin
But not quite
This is your new thing now
And now you're turning grinning
But maybe no one's listening
And you might lose it all my darling, yes you might

This is your new thing now
And it feels so good to doubt you
I could almost live without you
But not quite